By Kevin Luu, Co-Founder and Chief Learning Officer. Reviewed on 2026-09-30.
An ethical will is a short letter, usually one to three pages, in which parents write down the values, lessons and reasons they want their children to have, as opposed to the property they will receive. It has no legal force. The best examples are specific: they name a real decision the parents made, explain why, and say what they hope the child does with money that arrives before they are ready for it. Below are ten example passages written the way a busy California or Washington family with young children would actually write them, plus a one-page structure you can use this weekend.
Why a family with a trust still needs an ethical will
If your household earns $750,000 to $3 million, you probably already have, or are about to sign, a revocable living trust, pour-over wills, guardian nominations and beneficiary designations. Those documents answer who gets what, when. They do not answer why, and the why is what a 22-year-old trust beneficiary actually needs.
A trust might say a child receives one third of the remaining assets at 25, half the balance at 30 and the rest at 35. A trustee reading that clause has no idea whether you meant “we want you to have room to fail at a startup” or “we are worried about lifestyle creep.” An ethical will fills that gap. It gives the trustee and the guardian context, and it gives the child your reasoning in your own words.
As Kevin Luu, co-founder of Bright Advisers, puts it: “Your kids will inherit your money. Will they inherit your judgment?”
Ten ethical will examples, written for real families
Each passage below is a composite written for this article, not a quote from a real family. Borrow the structure, then replace every detail with your own.
1. The decision you made about work
“When you were three, I turned down a promotion that would have meant moving to Seattle and traveling two weeks a month. It paid more. I said no because I wanted to be home for dinner while you were small. I want you to know that saying no to money is sometimes the right call, and that I never regretted it.”
2. Where the equity compensation came from
“Most of what you will inherit came from stock grants at the company where your mom worked for fourteen years. It was not luck alone and it was not genius alone. She worked long hours on a drug that failed twice before it worked. Please treat this money as the result of someone’s patience, not as a lottery ticket.”
3. Why the trust releases money in stages
“You will get your inheritance in three parts, not all at once. That is not because we did not trust you. It is because we did not trust anyone at 25, including ourselves. We wanted you to have time to make a small mistake before you could make a large one.”
4. What you want the money used for
“We hope this money buys you freedom to choose work you care about, a home near people you love, and help for your own children’s education. We hope it does not buy you out of hard work. If you are ever unsure, ask what we would have been proud to hear you spent it on.”
5. Guidance for the guardian
“To Aunt Priya: thank you for raising them. Please keep them in public school if it works for them, keep the Sunday dinners, and do not feel you have to spend the trust to match anyone else’s lifestyle. The trustee can pay for tutoring, camps and travel. We would rather they grow up feeling normal than rich.”
6. How you thought about giving
“Every December we chose two causes together as a family and gave to both. One was always local. We did this so you would see that having more means owing more to the place you live. We hope you keep choosing two.”
7. A mistake you made with money
“In 2021 I held too much of my employer’s stock because selling felt disloyal. When it fell, we lost more than a year of my salary on paper. The lesson was not about that company. It was that feelings are a bad reason to keep a concentrated bet.”
8. What you believe about debt and spending
“We paid cash for cars and borrowed only for the house. We spent freely on travel and books and carefully on almost everything else. You do not have to copy us. We just want you to decide on purpose instead of by default.”
9. Family history the kids will not otherwise hear
“Your grandfather came to California with two suitcases and worked nights while studying engineering. Our family has only had money for one generation. The work ethic is older than the money, and it is the part we most want you to keep.”
10. Permission and love
“You do not owe us a particular career, a particular city or a particular kind of life. You owe yourself honesty and kindness to others. Whatever you choose, we were proud of you before you did anything at all.”
A worked example: one family’s ethical will in one evening
Assumptions for illustration: Maya and Daniel live in San Mateo County. Maya is a physician, Daniel is a biotech scientist, and together they earn about $1.1 million a year including RSU vests. They have two children, ages 4 and 8. Their revocable trust holds their home and brokerage accounts, each names the other as primary 401(k) beneficiary with the trust as contingent beneficiary, and they carry term life insurance. The trust releases each child’s share in stages at 25, 30 and 35, and their named trustee is Daniel’s sister.
Here is how they wrote it in about 90 minutes:
- 15 minutes, separately: each wrote down three decisions they were proud of and one they regretted.
- 20 minutes, together: they compared lists and picked five items that explain how they think about work, spending, giving and risk.
- 30 minutes: they wrote one paragraph per item, in plain language an 18-year-old could follow, plus one paragraph to the trustee explaining why the trust pays out at 25, 30 and 35.
- 15 minutes: they added a short note to the guardians about school, faith and how much to spend.
- 10 minutes: they dated it, signed it, saved a copy with their estate documents and set a calendar reminder to reread it every year on their older child’s birthday.
The result was two pages. It cost nothing, and it gave their trustee something no trust clause could: a record of what the parents would have wanted in the situations the attorney could not predict.
How to keep an ethical will from causing a legal problem
An ethical will should carry values, not instructions about property. That line matters more in California than many families realize.
- California recognizes handwritten wills. Under California Probate Code §6111, a will is valid without witnesses if the signature and the material provisions are in the testator’s handwriting. A signed, handwritten letter that says “the lake house goes to Sam” could be argued to be a holographic will or codicil that competes with your trust and pour-over will. Keep property language out entirely.
- Washington requires witnesses. A will in Washington must be signed and attested by two competent witnesses under RCW 11.12.020. The risk of an accidental will is lower, but a letter that seems to contradict the trust can still invite a dispute among family members.
- Store it with, not inside, your estate plan. Many estate attorneys prefer a separate, clearly labeled letter (“This letter expresses our values and is not a will”) rather than language inside the trust. Ask your attorney which they prefer.
- Tell the trustee it exists. A letter no one finds does no good. Give a copy to the trustee and the guardian, and note where the original is kept.
If you want a separate, nonbinding letter to the trustee about distribution preferences (sometimes called a letter of wishes), your attorney can draft it so that it guides without overriding the trust. Our article on questions to ask an attorney about inheritance covers what to raise in that meeting.
Ethical will template: a one-page structure
| Section | What to write | Length |
|---|---|---|
| Opening | Who you are writing to and why now | 2 to 3 sentences |
| Where the money came from | The work, the risk, the luck, and what it cost | 1 paragraph |
| Three decisions and why | Real choices about work, spending or giving, with your reasoning | 1 paragraph each |
| One mistake | What you got wrong and what you learned | 1 paragraph |
| Note to the trustee or guardian | Context for the trust’s timing and how to handle day-to-day spending | 1 paragraph |
| Hopes, not rules | What you hope the money makes possible, and permission to live their own life | 1 paragraph |
Common mistakes with ethical wills
- Writing generalities. “Be kind and work hard” is forgettable. “I turned down the Seattle job to be home for dinner” is not.
- Using it to control. A letter full of conditions reads like a rulebook. If you need conditions, put them in the trust with your attorney.
- Writing it once. A letter written when your children are 4 and 8 will read differently when they are 14 and 18. Reread and update it every year or two.
- Keeping it private until death. Many parents share parts of it while the children are growing up. The letter is more useful when it matches what the kids already heard at the dinner table.
From a single letter to a family record
An ethical will is a snapshot. The more useful habit is documenting decisions as you make them: why you exercised the options that year, why you chose that school, why you gave where you gave. Conversations fade. Documentation compounds. That running record is what Age Five Family Office™ families build in their FamilyKnowledge® Library, and our family governance and Age Five Wealth Education pages explain how it works alongside the legal plan on our estate planning page.
Frequently asked questions
Is an ethical will legally binding?
No. An ethical will expresses values and hopes and does not transfer property. That is why it should avoid instructions about specific assets, especially in California, where a signed handwritten document with dispositive language can be treated as a holographic will. Keep property decisions in your trust, will and beneficiary designations, and use the ethical will for the reasoning behind them.
Can we record an ethical will as a video?
Yes, and many families do both. A video captures your voice and face, which young children may value most. A written version is easier to reread, share with a trustee and update. If you record a video, avoid discussing who gets which property, and store the file where your trustee can find it.
At what age should our children read it?
There is no rule. Many parents share pieces of it in age-appropriate form as children grow, for example the story of where the family’s money came from at 10 or 12, and the full letter in the late teens. The letter is meant to support what you already teach, not to surprise them after you are gone.
Your next step
Block 90 minutes with your spouse this month, follow the five steps in the worked example, and write two pages. Then give a copy to your trustee and your children’s guardian. If you want help connecting that letter to your trust and your children’s accounts, such as how a UTMA account passes to a child at 18, 21 or 25 in California, the Tax & Wealth Assessment is a place to start. This is general education, and the right approach depends on your family’s full picture.
Kevin has advised high-income W-2 tech and biotech families since 2015, and leads the education-first Age Five Family Office from Brea, California.
Connect on LinkedIn → · About KevinThis is part of how we approach Estate Planning for high-income W-2 families at Bright Advisers.
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