How to Write an Ethical Will: 4 Steps, Prompts and an Example for Parents

By Kevin Luu, Co-Founder and Chief Learning Officer. Reviewed on 2026-09-30.

An ethical will is a letter, not a legal document, in which you write down the values, lessons and reasons behind your choices so your children can read them later. To write one, set aside about three hours across four short sessions: list the decisions and stories that shaped you, pick three to five themes, write a first draft in your own voice, then revisit it once a year. It does not transfer property and does not need a lawyer, witnesses or a notary.

For a household earning $750,000 to $3 million with young children, the ethical will is usually the missing piece of the estate plan. The trust says who gets the money and when. The ethical will says why the money exists and how you hoped it would be used.

Ethical will vs legal will vs letter of wishes

Three documents often get confused. Only one of them is legally binding.

Keep the ethical will out of the legal will itself. Language like “I hope Maya never uses this money for a car” inside a trust can create ambiguity a trustee or court has to resolve. Put binding instructions in the trust, guidance in the letter of wishes, and meaning in the ethical will. If you are still choosing a trustee or executor, our guide on whether your financial adviser can serve as executor covers the trade-offs.

Why it matters more for high-income families with young children

A family with RSUs, a mega backdoor Roth and 529s can build a large balance sheet before the oldest child turns 12. That money will arrive on a schedule set by documents, not by readiness. In California, a UTMA account transfers to the child at 18 by default. A lifetime gift can delay that to no later than 21, and a transfer under a will or trust can delay it to no later than 25 (Cal. Probate Code §3920.5). Either way, a young adult gets control of real money with no context unless someone wrote the context down. See what happens to a UTMA when your child turns 21 for the mechanics.

Parents who are physicians, scientists or senior tech employees also tend to be time-poor. The reasoning behind big decisions (why you bought the smaller house, why you sold the concentrated Apple or Amazon stock, why you give to one cause and not another) lives in your head. As Kevin Luu puts it: “Your kids don’t need to inherit your portfolio. They need to inherit your decision-making process.”

How to write an ethical will in four steps

Step 1: Reflect (45 minutes)

Write a rough list, not sentences. Aim for 15 to 20 items across these prompts:

• Three decisions about money or work you would make again, and one you would not.
• A moment when you were short of money, time or confidence, and what you did.
• What your own parents taught you about money, on purpose or by accident.
• What you want your children to do if they ever have more money than they need.
• The people or causes you support, and why those ones.

Step 2: Choose three to five themes (30 minutes)

Group the list. Most parents land on a mix of: work and effort, generosity, how to treat money that arrives without being earned, family and loyalty, and mistakes worth learning from. Fewer themes make a stronger letter. A child at 18 is more likely to reread two pages than ten.

Step 3: Draft in your own voice (60 to 90 minutes)

Write one short section per theme. Use a specific story, then the lesson. Address each child by name if you have more than one; a separate paragraph for each is fine. Avoid instructions that sound like conditions (“you must study medicine”). Those read as control, and they are the most common reason ethical wills are resented. Both parents can write one letter together or separate letters; separate letters often say more.

Step 4: Revisit and store (30 minutes a year)

Reread the letter once a year, ideally at the same time you review beneficiaries and the trust. Add a dated note when something important changes: a career move, a liquidity event, a new child. Store a signed copy with your estate documents and tell the trustee and guardian it exists.

Ethical will template: prompts you can copy

Many sites offer fill-in templates. A blank page with good prompts usually works better than a form, because the value is in your words. Use these as section headings:

1. Where we came from. One family story your children would not otherwise know.
2. What we believe about work. Why you chose your field and what it cost.
3. What we believe about money. What it is for in your family, and what it is not for.
4. A mistake we made. What happened and what you would do differently.
5. What we hope for you. Hopes, not requirements.
6. If you inherit before you are ready. How you hope they will take their time and ask for help.

Worked example: a Bay Area family with two children

Assumptions (illustrative): a married couple in Palo Alto, one a hospital physician and one a scientist at a biotech company, household W-2 income of about $1.1 million including RSUs. Children aged 4 and 8. Their wills nominate a sibling, Sara, as guardian, and their revocable trust names her as successor trustee and holds assets for each child until 30, with distributions at the trustee’s discretion before then. Each child also has a UTMA account set up as a lifetime gift, with the custodial transfer delayed to 21.

What the documents already decide: who raises the children, who controls the money, and the ages at which it is released. What they do not say: why the parents chose discretionary distributions until 30, or what they hoped the money would make possible.

A short excerpt the couple might write under “If you inherit before you are ready” (a fictional sample, not a template to copy):

“We set the trust to hold your share until you are 30 because we did not feel ready for anything at 21. Aunt Sara can say yes to school, a first home, or time off to care for someone. She will probably say no to a car you cannot afford to insure. That is our call, not hers. Ask her why. She has this letter too.”

Time spent: about three hours in the first year, then roughly 30 minutes at each annual review. The output is two pages per child that turn a trust provision into a decision the child can understand.

Common mistakes

• Waiting until retirement. The letter is most useful if something happens while the children are young, which is exactly when parents think it is too early.
• Writing a sermon. Stories carry; rules do not. One concrete example beats a paragraph of advice.
• Contradicting the trust. If the letter says “use the money for anything” and the trust says discretionary until 30, the child gets mixed signals. Align them.
• Hiding it. A letter nobody knows about will not be found. Tell the trustee and guardian.
• Treating it as one-and-done. A letter written when the children are 4 and 8 will read differently at 16. Date your updates.

Turning the ethical will into a living record

An ethical will is a one-time letter. Many families find the more useful habit is to document individual decisions as they happen, so the children can later see the reasoning behind each one. That is the idea behind the FamilyKnowledge® System taught through Age Five Wealth Education: short, dated notes on real decisions, written in plain language a teenager can follow. The ethical will then becomes the summary of a record, not a single attempt to remember everything at once. Our family governance and Age Five Wealth Education pages explain how families set this up, and the estate planning hub covers the legal documents it sits beside.

Frequently asked questions

Is an ethical will legally binding?

No. An ethical will has no legal effect and cannot leave property or name a guardian. In California and Washington, a typed legal will generally must be signed and witnessed by two people under state law (California also accepts a will written and signed in your own handwriting). Anything you want enforced belongs in your will or trust. The ethical will explains your reasons and hopes, which is why it can be informal and written in your own voice.

When should my children read it?

That is your choice. Some parents share parts of it while the children are young, reading a story aloud at dinner. Others seal it until a set age or until both parents have died. A middle path works well: share the stories as the children grow, and keep a fuller letter for when they reach the age the trust starts to distribute.

Should my estate attorney keep a copy?

It helps. Store a signed copy with your will and trust, and tell your attorney, trustee and named guardian that it exists. If you update it, replace the stored copy and date each version. For questions to raise at your next meeting, see our list of questions to ask an attorney about inheritance.

Next step

Block 45 minutes this week and do Step 1 only: the rough list. Then bring the list to your next estate plan review so the letter and the trust say the same thing. This is general education; the right structure depends on your family’s full picture.

Written by

Kevin Luu

Co-Founder and Chief Learning Officer, Bright Advisers

Kevin has advised high-income W-2 tech and biotech families since 2015, and leads the education-first Age Five Family Office from Brea, California.

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